Papercuts, pickle juice, presentless poem

Wrapping presents in my walk in closet
Hearing creeks from each invisible footstep
I realize there is nothing for him under the tree
Nor will there be any for me.....

You see... We race this race of waking up, feeding faces
Catching buses, checking underwear, taking date nights to costco
Counting heads, counting minutes to bed time some nights
Counting stars above our gorgeous house, counting snores at 9pm... Him
Because mommy can't do the morning shift....insomnia is inherent in motherhood

Two..... The cardiologist appointments I have missed
Three.... The times my heart stopped according to my last visit
Four whole months ago.....but Meanwhile
Five children call me mommy.....so time is not mine alone.

"The full sampler platter" all 98 pounds of me said
Sitting at an IHOP, barely 20, too naive to know I was on a date
"Cawfee" he said, waitress perplexed. "Coffee" I said and she understood
He called me Megan more than once, my 30 year old self would have left......
Pancakes, hash browns, and this journey was all on its way

I sleep in sheets that smell of pickle juice from a baby who looks like his dad
I have a paper cut from wrapping five children's gifts in one night
I will eat leftovers, nights like tonight realizing I make six plates, not seven
I threatened to throw out a few gifts a few too many times this month
Daddy made cookies for "Santa" in the mean time

I will have cards written in crayon, leftovers for breakfast
My husband will smile as kids tear apart gifts they will break in 48
We don't have gifts under the tree we sneak gifts daily
I give my children the gift of showing them two parents that respect each other

Professor Williams in Psychology had a girlfriend of 30 years
"We fight in the tub, literally" by the time you stomp to the "spot" the issue seems mundane
Modeling healthy communication to children who are at risk
It's exhausting..... It's present-less, in the present......

A decade will pass, my 40 year old self will see my daughter at 20
"I met this guy"...... She will say
Well what's he say, my mom asked back then...
He says he adores me, she smiled..... Good.

Ranking Up

Do you look young enough, or is too pretty also your doom, everyone harbors a secret hatred for the prettiest girl in the room. You laugh too hard, or not enough. Your kids are too polite, so you are too strict. My kids don't know what an iPhone or DS is, so I'm neglectful. I make too much income, and donate money, but for marketing only. My clothing is used, I have two outfits I repeat as much as possible. I sleep too much, my illness is made up to justify laziness....  Women, we are tearing each other apart. Dissecting the most intimate cores of our sisters. My cars too nice, so I'm a bad mom. I don't attempt baking so my kids suffer. What happened to Rosie the riveter, women empowerment. Being truly happy when someone does well. I can say I can, feel happy for others success. I'm not between you and your ambitions. I cant run, but I can pass out water bottles. I hate crafts, but I can balance a budget and negotiate a business deal like no other. If I were a man I'd be successful, not a "bitch". You don't hear men starting conversations with "did you hear what Tom said about Steve at that holiday party?" I'm no where near perfect, I've got battle wounds to prove it. But those are on all of us, in us, making us. My hard day is no harder than yours. My five kids aren't harder than your two. My laundry method isn't efficient nor a method. My house is a mess, I'm sorry if it doesn't meet your standard.

When I see another women struggle I help, if I see them succeed I rejoice. Haven't we come so far in humanity, rights, and we throw them out the door because someone's mom tweets too much, or refuses to buy her 12 year old a cell phone, wears too much makeup, or not enough.


Take inventory on what you hate and twist in others, it's lacking in you or you wouldn't zone in. I'm good at most things, I'm not amazing at anything. I'm a wife, mother, sister, daughter, so when you have a negative word on your tongue or in your mind you are degrading someone's child. Someone's mom, someone's wife...... 


Jealousy doesn't have to equal venom. I want my daughters to look at other women and learn their worth. Learn no one can speak down to them or about them. After all they will be looking for partners someday and what we model they seek. In friendships, in partners. Jealousy is normal emotion, it motivates improvement. But why caddy? 

We get one chance, let's use it wisely. Let's model our best. Let's value sisterhood instead of desecrating it because "she's wearing that?" Our grandmothers fought too hard for equality to allow their last days watching housewives pulling each others hair out, or worse smiling to their face to talk horribly later. Enjoy your vote, your right to a credit card, driving privileges, job opportunities, enjoy each other. I don't rank up, I didn't sign up to be ranked. I certainly won't rank you.