I find myself now-a-days thinking how different life has become than the hopes and dreams we played out in our first grade heads. So many of you have these amazing kids, with awesome talents and it's fascinating. It's a blessed life. Three of our five kids are considered mentally/emotionally disabled, which leaves a very slim to none chance of full recovery. It's a truth I've embraced while laying plans for their first grade brains, because honestly I don't know that they can for themselves. We have mandatory 504-IEP-DDD-ALTCCS meetings in our house. If you don't know any of those terms thank the stars above. Last week I had a meeting with five highly trained/educated professionals and upon gathering my things to leave the Dr said "I have to ask what your long term goal is for your child, realistically given the data".... I paused and breathed in strength and said "a GED, not homeless, and safe relationships, a trade job most likely".... The dr responded "not many parents have your training, nor foresight." I nodded and left..... Those days you wonder if your interjection, your life has helped the process that was already set into place....
Tonight I'm sleeping in a tree house. It's my first time. I had those 1st grade dreams, but then 3rd to 6th grade reality hit our family with cancer, I was the youngest always, so I just grew up quick. Having kids on the spectrum I can tell you I'm a bit Aspergers. Loud places, loud music, the smell of coffee, burnt eggs, I literally twitch. I've had a whirlwind career and life, but I don't think I can say I was ever child like. In all fairness this tree house has wifi and a small AC unit, but.... It's my first time?! Yikes.
Upon selling my business I returned home and for the first time in 17 years I don't have a "job". I have income, I contribute, but no schedule. I would have this situation with or without my husband, with or without kids (we all know kids make you money right). My husband and brother went out to get me dinner the other night and came back 5 hours later talking about pirates and "life changing sushi" and the guy who hit on my brother (my brother wears pink way too much, I think it unfairly puts him on the market). They were kids, they still play. In the last two months I find myself seeking out my first grade dreams, as much as I can while keeping my feet on the ground. My closest friends know I've been studying a new career, and I'm such a nerd I just love to immerse into things, study people, watch them..... I've been taking some improv classes and I watch these kids (20's) being asked to weep, lose a loved one, show joy after seeing your child for the first time. Don't get me wrong, they try hard, they ARE good, but my gut jumps, leaps, wanting to say "go do it, please live that first". They seem like babies to me, playing dress up. We had one minute alone to create a scene with little dialogue, but something that would touch the class. Mine was about our mentally ill child, getting another call from another Dr., and another request to move her. I heard someone cry in the back of my class..... I can't act, I can relive, re tell, recall.
I don't know if everything will play out ok for my kids, for me, for the rest of our lives. I've learned to let that go. I try to let little things go. Those that are close to me and know me well, and LOVE me and are supportive know my journeys. Others may watch on Facebook and judge..... Judge away, it's sad you have time in your day to judge little ole me.
In 1st grade I wanted to be a lawyer, a mom, an actress. No law degree but basically I am one, so I check the first two off. The biggest gift you can give your children is the opportunity to show them you love their father, and you live your dreams. If my kid comes to me wanting to backpack and stay in hostels, or a tree house to travel the globe I will be happy they are able to do that...... Because right now our retirement plan includes at least two kids living with us long term. I'd tell my kids to find a partner who can grow up with them, because we are still children inside, especially if you meet at 21. Sure grow old too, but grow up as well, learn to change and become an adult together. Honestly you are just sitting across the table paying bills with a 8 year old boy who misses his dad, and that damn bike someone stole from him in 1st grade.
So I ask you, have you found your tree house? Or did someone tear it down ;)
