Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Pancakes, Heaven, and Marriage

My husband is old.... his beard is turning grey, hes got bum knees.... I look at him and think, "how did this happen"? Meaning my life, my family, my health, my career, my 20's (gone). He's knocking on the door of 40 but Im older than him. We don't adopt any one religion.... Probably because I believe truths in each valid story of faith. I cant argue I was given an old soul, an old body. My outside appearance certainly doesn't match my insides....

Looking in the mirror now I have 45 more pounds on my frame, stretch marks from child holding, abdominal scars from a c-section, a chest scar from my pacemaker, black puffy eye sacks from Addisons/lack of sleep, and severe hand tremors like Parkinsons. In the background a stack of 18 boxes of girl scout cookies.... That Ive hidden from my children. YUP, for me. Cellulite is just a gold star on your accomplishment board I tell myself. I wear makeup maybe once a week, so I don't scare my students off. Yet I still get "You've got five kids???" or "You've taught ten years??" all the time.

I was hungry when I met Kevin, literally. Girls in college who waitress at sleazy bars live off Ramen noodles and Dr.Pepper. He was OH SO MATURE and could afford a few nights of dinner dates each week. I didn't really know we were dating, thats how experienced I was in the dating field. I had a boyfriend in college, and thats about it on my experience chart, and he was the kind of guy you were meant to be friends with too, not really date (for me).... I ordered the "hungry man platter" at IHOP on our first date, used the restroom with my girl friend, and then returned to a paid bill?? I turned to my friend with deer eyes, like "oh god do I have to kiss him now?".  Thats what age 20 does to your brain. Thank god the internet or social networks weren't around when I was in high school, even college really. Id really be into self loathing if I had to be a teen NOW. I hide the internet from my 13 year old but think "no the sheltered girls were the worst" in high school. Don't get me wrong. Most of the good girls were good girls. BUT some of the super strict homes produced girls with an eye for a wild streak. Luckily my brother paved the way with a tattoo by age 15 so I really didn't feel the need to get into too much trouble.

The night my water broke, the same night about five hours prior I wrote a farewell letter to my husband, to my kids. One I paid for to be delivered a month later, which happen to fall on my father in laws death anniversary. I figured I could intercept it if I had come through labor all right. I know it sounds so morbid, but the Pheochromocitoma tests they were running, and my months of bed rest made me more of a realist than a pity party person. I suppose thats my one huge complaint in life, my outsides dont match my insides.... I guess thats why heaven is so appealing to me. My water broke three days before my "emergency" test results came in, a test that would tell us if I could have anesthesia. But a baby stuck frank breach it was anesthesia or nothing really. Yet I was so calm, I had this faith that if the drugs reacted and I went into some cardiac failure that my only concern was for my family left behind. I imagine these throbbing lights of souls interacting with eachother in heaven. No judgments on figure, faces, income, makeup, race, or religion. I'm not knocking anyones religion here, but my best friend is Muslim, I had a Rabbi great grandfather, we were raised Catholic, and Buddhism/meditation has been around since man kind really. Somewhere in my head I hope I never have to see my old man husband die.... His light is the center of our house. The kids and I orbit around his calm stability. He can be a pain in my butt at times, but if anyone comes for him they are going to come through me first.

It was around seven dates, seven meals, and I realized I had fallen for him. Damnit. I had a job offer in San Diego lined up, this wasn't in the cards. He had baggage, like BAGGAGE. Here is the kicker, HE NEVER tried to kiss me, date seven??? Really?? I mean boys in high school were buying a frosty from Wendys and expecting more right? Gross.

"Remember our first date?" I asked him last night..... "Yup you ordered the hungry man platter at IHOP".... "And that did it for you huh?"..... "Yeah I guess plus you CLEARLY wanted me" he says now. "Yeah just remember who kissed who you big butthead"..... I guess Im just glad I ordered those pancakes.