A friend of mine came upon a 10 day old Chihuahua who had lost its mother. He needed twenty four hour care, and a "foster mom" was needed so I volunteered. All of my children are beloved, and have a space in the tiny cracks in my heart I didn't know existed, they mortar the holes made on a person's spirit when eyes role, a gossip spreads ill words, someone perceived by blood to be close passes unnecessary judgment. It patches the "picked last" or the "never asked", the "shes OK looking" and the more popular "she isn't one of us". They help the muttering of "she doesn't do enough" or "she doesn't deserve the success". These span three decades of my life, and I believe, centuries before. They limit me to some extent, and "they" often are "me".
Having children can best be described as an invisible wound, hidden deep beneath your skin, a knot of tension, and the moment a skillful surgeon presses down to open that unknown angst, in that one second, when release and fear, joy, and uncertainty all meet..... That one second is the removal of your soul to your extremities, your children. It should be the elevating of your spirit so fast and vast you feel you are levitating, and the only reason we walk around is the gravity of what these little creatures need to survive..... Mine had no words, no voice, no trust, they were wounded puppies.
We all are wounded puppies, aren't we? Masked in the cloak of "mother", "teacher", and "friend". I have had a job since 15, to my first car, my first college apartment, my first college degree, my first home, my marriage, my first teaching job, my first entrepreneur dream..... Ive always had to work. I find myself semi-retired now due to good choices, poor health, a need for a stay at home mom, and the need to pursue what I believe all children need most. A woman, spelled M-O-R-G-A-N, not only M-O-M.
That pursuit brought me to San Jose, to see Deepak Chopra, and to meditate. So I thought..... The Oprah weekend started on a Friday night, and I was one of the only people sitting in the stadium at 4:45pm. I thought traffic would be impossible, it was not. I thought the seats would be full, they were not. So I sat.....until 7pm, and then Ms.Winfrey came on stage, retelling the story of her upbringing, her possibility, her statistics, her truth, and her triumph. I went to the hotel ready to see Elizabeth Gilbert, Deepak Chopra, Rob Bell, and Iyanla Vanzant the next day.... Alas my Addison's disease hates early curtain call, and I woke up 45 minutes late. The Saturday parking had sold out, all parking structures full. I turned down a small street that had been coned off, with just enough space for a little car to pass through, and there sat 14 parking spots, free. I parked and ran in fast, hearing the roar of music, a sign that the speakers had changed.... I was bummed I must have missed the morning with Deepak Chopra. Luckily my seat was an aisle, and my replacement medicines, and heart medication were not working well yet and I was in the mens room throwing up. (Oprah took over all the mens rooms and put "womens" on them). The speaker quality was amazing, apparently guys need to hear everything in the leu. I sat back down and Oprah appeared, apologizing for the delay in starting, and she announced Deepak. I was so excited I had to run and throw up. I meditated in a mens room stall while trying to not get faint and be that girl found passed out on a toilet in San Jose.
I ran out at first glance of energy and Deepak was gone :( I had missed all of it, but geez his voice is like soundwave xanax. Elizabeth Gilbert was on stage, riveting. Oprah sat front row dead center, with a blanket, watching every presenter. Im usually healthy by 11am and I was hoping for it, but again I was clammy and needed to go sit in the hall. Across from the bathroom sat three younger girls and they were passing out programs and water, so I thought. On my last trip to the bathroom they had gone away, but the water were all over, and I was for sure dehydrated. I was worried I would faint and so I just wanted to rehydrate so I could see Rob Bell and Iyanla Vanzant. I was in row 15 of the bleacher seats, which was pretty close, and the tickets were $599 compared to the floor seats. I went to grab the water and I grabbed a brochure that looked slightly different then the general program, but in my head I didn't care because I had been to sick to visit the O Town center next door, and I had missed Deepak. I ran to my seat to finish hearing the Eat Pray Love journey of Elizabeth, and the need to seek out elephants. In the brochure was a lanyard, it was very plain and had nothing on it but a sunrise. It was a lovely take home gift. Oprah graced the stage before morning break and spoke of God speaking to us in whispers, and if we don't take advantage then, who knows what will happen, good or bad. I tried to eat something small and I was feeling a bit better when a young gal said "can you believe we are meeting Oprah for lunch?"
WHATTTTTT???"??? What the heck? Im just a teacher/mom of five, what drug are you on. I said "what" and she replied "the lunch pass on your neck". Now people, anyone that knows me knows I would never steal something like this from someone, take something that belonged to another. I looked around like I had just been put in the cross hairs of Oprah snipers, security would jump on me for sure. I stayed cool. "Yeah its pretty cool". Play calm, this girl looks amazing, Ive thrown up ten times today, I dont belong, I dont deserve this, voices, voices, I might be speaking tongues...... As she walked away she said "see you on the floor". Ok now Im breaking the code.... The ground floor was meeting Oprah for lunch and somehow I got a pass- many were spread out on that table, and no "VIP" stamp or anything. Begin your life on the lamb, NOW. If you run no one will arrest you. You can dye your hair and be in Phoenix before they knew it. So I began to walk up to the 15th row when a group of ground people from the floor jumped the fence to use the ground restroom. Ummm, I jumped too, just in the opposite direction.
OK so "what now" you con artist, life of crime, sneaky person... NO CLUE, no clue. So I did what anyone would do, sat next to a security guard, we talked about his life a bit. Waiting for the rightfully chosen to take their seats, and then it dawned on me. The extra speakers had been sitting fifth row center, and they had never returned. I walked past 35 rows and sat down like I belonged. Thank god for my pacemaker, because I would have died. Oprah spoke and she was feet away from me. I kept asking those around me if I took their seat and they shook their head NO. The lunch line soon lined up and I fell in line like a baby duck. "God speaks to you in whispers, he opens windows, blah blah, Im back to tongues". Then I turned the corner and large men stood. The not so friendly staff was in line checking badges, so I hid back in line.... my inner dialogue was "say Smith is your last name, someone is Smith.... No that wont work they will take someones name off the list.... If I tell the truth they might throw me out..... My intent was not to hurt anyone....." "MAAM Next in line", I looked up and saw a smiling young girl, no mean face. "Hi my last name is Wehner". "Sorry Maam you arent on the VIP list" she looked confused. "Oh Im sorry I must be in the wrong" and I turned around. Hey I met her security team, thats enough. I sat on the floor for 30 minutes, thats enough. I turned to sprint out before they tazed me. "Maam, Maam". I spun around "the computer systems were down this morning, perhaps you won a pass at O Town?" I dont know if she threw me the bone on purpose but I took it. "Yup". "I will have to manually put you in so your photo is printed with your information". (A Photo, a freaking PHOTO)...H-N-E-R. "Ok maam go ahead". Clue number 535 you might not belong:
1) you didnt comb your hair...... this week.
2)You smell like vomit
3) You didnt wear makeup, not even over the growth that could be infectious
4) you are sweating behind your ears, knees, toenails.
Everyone in line was super calm, excited yes, but creepy calm. Gearing up for "another" picture with "another" celebrity type feel. I was so happy I forgot to take off my wedding ring before travel. I kind of looked like I could fit in. I turned to tell the man behind me I might faint, or say weird stuff..... He whispered "I KNOW!!!!! Can you freaking believe this!!" in my head I thought "certainly God would send me a gay bestie at this exact moment. If this all wasnt on purpose it was for sure now". As I grew closer to the next curtain I wasnt quite sure if we had another security check, I just remember my purse being taken, all phones, and then a shove. INTO OPRAH. I had only 40 minutes from the girl in line until this moment, I of course was the one girl shaking. Oprah broke from a smile to a very concerned face "you need to sit". She pointed to a staff who took me to the crying chair. Apparently they had fainters before. After ten minutes of other people coming through Oprah said "come on up honey, you are smiling now, I wasnt going to send you home with a crying photo". The rest was me floating, on air. I hadn't even enough time to call anyone before this.
I texted my husband the photo and he said "God I sure hope she got your autograph". The thing is, he means it. I sat back in my fifth row seat and Rob Bell gave the most amazing speech on the odds in this life. I sat there in shock as he walked by me saying "You are here, right now, in this room, by no accident". His words moved me to no end. He wrapped up with the odds of being a thriving, living beings, on this planet, this country, this time. As a pastor he says he is asked "isnt that a miracle pastor?" he responds by saying "it is ALL a miracle isnt it?".
The puppy didnt make it. I wore him in my sports bra for 4 days to kangaroo and he did well. I tucked him away to his own bed for five minutes so I could take a bath, my one daily escape. I scooped him out after ten minutes and he was really warm. He wasnt breathing though. So I tried animal CPR on a puppy that fit in the palm of my hand. Then I rubbed him in between my hands for a few minutes, then I repeated it all. I cry if needed in private, or if Im really mad, which is an odd female juxtaposition we never asked for. Nonetheless, I wept.... Full blown snot and all. I wasn't supposed to care about a puppy after four days, and he was a foster dog..... But I wept. I thought I had the magic touch, I've done pretty well with all my children....... I think it was god whispering....... a different whisper. "Life can be taken away, in a blink my child". It was a blink, the table was a blink.... this lifes a BLINK. Your footprint on this world is a small dot.... But damnit I want mine in glitter red.
"Something smells like vomit, is her ring real?" - Mama O
