Papercuts, pickle juice, presentless poem

Wrapping presents in my walk in closet
Hearing creeks from each invisible footstep
I realize there is nothing for him under the tree
Nor will there be any for me.....

You see... We race this race of waking up, feeding faces
Catching buses, checking underwear, taking date nights to costco
Counting heads, counting minutes to bed time some nights
Counting stars above our gorgeous house, counting snores at 9pm... Him
Because mommy can't do the morning shift....insomnia is inherent in motherhood

Two..... The cardiologist appointments I have missed
Three.... The times my heart stopped according to my last visit
Four whole months ago.....but Meanwhile
Five children call me mommy.....so time is not mine alone.

"The full sampler platter" all 98 pounds of me said
Sitting at an IHOP, barely 20, too naive to know I was on a date
"Cawfee" he said, waitress perplexed. "Coffee" I said and she understood
He called me Megan more than once, my 30 year old self would have left......
Pancakes, hash browns, and this journey was all on its way

I sleep in sheets that smell of pickle juice from a baby who looks like his dad
I have a paper cut from wrapping five children's gifts in one night
I will eat leftovers, nights like tonight realizing I make six plates, not seven
I threatened to throw out a few gifts a few too many times this month
Daddy made cookies for "Santa" in the mean time

I will have cards written in crayon, leftovers for breakfast
My husband will smile as kids tear apart gifts they will break in 48
We don't have gifts under the tree we sneak gifts daily
I give my children the gift of showing them two parents that respect each other

Professor Williams in Psychology had a girlfriend of 30 years
"We fight in the tub, literally" by the time you stomp to the "spot" the issue seems mundane
Modeling healthy communication to children who are at risk
It's exhausting..... It's present-less, in the present......

A decade will pass, my 40 year old self will see my daughter at 20
"I met this guy"...... She will say
Well what's he say, my mom asked back then...
He says he adores me, she smiled..... Good.