So the one question I think people have, and a few very brave souls have asked, is "do you feel different about your biological son than your adopted"..... Its a fair question, one I silently pondered myself.... I can tell you this, the moment my judge officially granted severance a weight of a thousand sleepless nights (roughly my wait) was lifted, and a peace came over me, even if fleeting as a mother of 4 would expect moments to be, that was heaven sent..... That same exact feeling I got when my Dr yelled, " look to your left Morgan", as my son was brought by me in a little incubator to get his check up, post C section. The same feeling, exact, no shade of grey, exactly....the same.
The amount of therapy hours I have spent on a couch/beanbag/bouncy chair with my children is really endless...... Its been insightful to learn how babies brains are formed (or malformed) due to neglect.... One fact always stuck out at me, newborns, seconds after birth, move their heads around to find their mothers' eyes...... Their eyes...... Can that be any more moving? This helpless thing, searching for reassurance through the eyes of his mother..... Tonight my baby was gassy and thus hard to put down, he would grunt in pain, then look at me, locking eyes and a sudden soothing feeling came over him, his body. One would think that this is something to be greatful for, a child I can reassure from day one. Trust me it is..... but it also brings a wave of sadness...... Theo weighed roughly 6 pounds more than my one month old, at 13 months when we got him, his eyes searched through 7 different homes, no one set ever stayed..... How many nights was he gassy and screaming in pain.... countless im sure. How many days/hours were my children alone, parentless, searching? Countless.......countless.....
Two weekends ago we went on a trip to sedona as a family. I was upstairs in our rental house and I heard downstairs Theo Say "I love you Lilly". Lilly said "I love you too Theo, and we are best friends, I love you forever, and I promise you we will never leave eachother, ever". Its the one bond in this home that came as a pair, every sibling after one at a time. To this day I can see the fear and panic of an autistic meltdown start to set in for him, and I will call for his sister.... she will sit through it, or by him, or translate for him, or say nothing, just be..... and I have no doubt that at 13 and 25 months when they came to us that they knew only one thing, that they must hold on to eachother......survival.
Theo had 4 surgeries that first year, 13 months of untreated ailments left him pretty sick. Lilly could eat poison I think and escape any sickness (I call her our anthrax child). Bryce, oh lord, he came at 19 months and had tubes coming from everywhere. He had been in a rough foster home and neglect unfortunately followed him there. I had to wait for his feeding bag to drain each night, wait for the hospital alarm of an IV bag being empty, reload in the dark every few hours...... Not an easy task since the port is 2-4mm wide, well not easy at first...... Became second nature. Oh the vomit, can we talk about a G tube baby and reflux? Buckets of vomit, so much so that we ended up often in hospital. The first time was 4 days after he came, and I wept. Called anyone on our case trying to convince them I was not the right mom, clearly I broke him. (Thank God our SW and licensing worker didnt buy it, and just listened to me cry for the first time in our case). Four days later, that visit, and we found out the health agency sent the wrong formula when he came to me and thus, was slowly dehydrating, vomiting, him to bones. Theo and Lilly survived on eachother, this kid survived on pure luck...... Those wounds are documentable, surgeries, ports, vomit....... Then we have so many wounds beneath the surface. Our oldest came weeks before turning 8...... 8 years of craziness said to be "normal", and 3 years later we have the push back daily.... But I have my moments like tonight thinking, but her eyes never locked on any one set, never. She was searching, searching, searching, and really still is.......
My house is like a weird game of soduko, I swear. Child A, cant be with any other child. Child B loves every other child, Child C lives in and out of this world, child D is bonkers but a genius, Child E is just starting....... Which combination today? I will take the lot of them and dish out which combo works. Usually a BC with a side of D by himself, and A playing a game........ Im not sure how to add any more in, we are done. Thank god my hubby and I make a good team.....
So I'm moving to the beach with my 4 (surprise!), no 5 kids. Because I want them to be happy, healthy, and live in a neighborhood where you can rent a boat, get an omelette, ride a bike, catch a huge fish, watch the sunrise, and depend on the two people that they have come to call "Mommy" and "Daddy"....... Whos eyes they look for NOW, and that in itself is a blessing....
xoxo,
Morgan
The amount of therapy hours I have spent on a couch/beanbag/bouncy chair with my children is really endless...... Its been insightful to learn how babies brains are formed (or malformed) due to neglect.... One fact always stuck out at me, newborns, seconds after birth, move their heads around to find their mothers' eyes...... Their eyes...... Can that be any more moving? This helpless thing, searching for reassurance through the eyes of his mother..... Tonight my baby was gassy and thus hard to put down, he would grunt in pain, then look at me, locking eyes and a sudden soothing feeling came over him, his body. One would think that this is something to be greatful for, a child I can reassure from day one. Trust me it is..... but it also brings a wave of sadness...... Theo weighed roughly 6 pounds more than my one month old, at 13 months when we got him, his eyes searched through 7 different homes, no one set ever stayed..... How many nights was he gassy and screaming in pain.... countless im sure. How many days/hours were my children alone, parentless, searching? Countless.......countless.....
Two weekends ago we went on a trip to sedona as a family. I was upstairs in our rental house and I heard downstairs Theo Say "I love you Lilly". Lilly said "I love you too Theo, and we are best friends, I love you forever, and I promise you we will never leave eachother, ever". Its the one bond in this home that came as a pair, every sibling after one at a time. To this day I can see the fear and panic of an autistic meltdown start to set in for him, and I will call for his sister.... she will sit through it, or by him, or translate for him, or say nothing, just be..... and I have no doubt that at 13 and 25 months when they came to us that they knew only one thing, that they must hold on to eachother......survival.
Theo had 4 surgeries that first year, 13 months of untreated ailments left him pretty sick. Lilly could eat poison I think and escape any sickness (I call her our anthrax child). Bryce, oh lord, he came at 19 months and had tubes coming from everywhere. He had been in a rough foster home and neglect unfortunately followed him there. I had to wait for his feeding bag to drain each night, wait for the hospital alarm of an IV bag being empty, reload in the dark every few hours...... Not an easy task since the port is 2-4mm wide, well not easy at first...... Became second nature. Oh the vomit, can we talk about a G tube baby and reflux? Buckets of vomit, so much so that we ended up often in hospital. The first time was 4 days after he came, and I wept. Called anyone on our case trying to convince them I was not the right mom, clearly I broke him. (Thank God our SW and licensing worker didnt buy it, and just listened to me cry for the first time in our case). Four days later, that visit, and we found out the health agency sent the wrong formula when he came to me and thus, was slowly dehydrating, vomiting, him to bones. Theo and Lilly survived on eachother, this kid survived on pure luck...... Those wounds are documentable, surgeries, ports, vomit....... Then we have so many wounds beneath the surface. Our oldest came weeks before turning 8...... 8 years of craziness said to be "normal", and 3 years later we have the push back daily.... But I have my moments like tonight thinking, but her eyes never locked on any one set, never. She was searching, searching, searching, and really still is.......
My house is like a weird game of soduko, I swear. Child A, cant be with any other child. Child B loves every other child, Child C lives in and out of this world, child D is bonkers but a genius, Child E is just starting....... Which combination today? I will take the lot of them and dish out which combo works. Usually a BC with a side of D by himself, and A playing a game........ Im not sure how to add any more in, we are done. Thank god my hubby and I make a good team.....
So I'm moving to the beach with my 4 (surprise!), no 5 kids. Because I want them to be happy, healthy, and live in a neighborhood where you can rent a boat, get an omelette, ride a bike, catch a huge fish, watch the sunrise, and depend on the two people that they have come to call "Mommy" and "Daddy"....... Whos eyes they look for NOW, and that in itself is a blessing....
xoxo,
Morgan
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