Thursday, June 6, 2013

March 2009






Parents will understand this a bit more maybe.... I'm putting this out there in the universe so that one day when I have two 16 year old boys, and a 17 year old girl that maybe they find this note to reflect on....


A Letter to My Children:

It was Friday the 13th, July of 2007. Your father and I were at your Uncle Michael and Aunt Genevieve’s wedding in New Jersey. Some said getting married on Friday the 13th was bad luck, but it turned out to be the first step in starting our family, so good luck for everyone. We got the call and email that we were approved as a foster home, and to expect our first set of kids within ONE week.

Needless to say it was a difficult week for me; I cleared my calendar and sat by the phone, a couple close calls. I called our workers to make sure they knew we still existed, they assured me that they did, a whole week passed till the following Friday. “You rarely get called on a weekend,” said our worker “go out for the weekend and have fun.” We called it our last date night, it was 8pm, and the phone rang. “How many kids can you take” the voice on the other end asked me, panic set in…… “Umm…..we are only licensed for two” I said back, “OK” the voice said, the oldest two are ready to get picked up, a boy and a girl, one year, and two years old”. I was in the aisle of a grocery store, your dad had walked away, “Kevin” I screamed out, I knew this was for real. It felt like it was real. Your dad walked towards me, I held up my hands, mouthing the words “a one year old and two year old”. “Sure” he replied, like no big deal, like I was asking him something normal. I covered the phone so the worker couldn’t hear me “Do you even know how to change a diaper?” I asked him, half joking…. Silence, on both the phone and your dad’s face simultaneously. “Geez” I thought to myself, this should be fun. I tossed the car keys to your Dad, “Your going to have to drive, I think I’m going to throw up”…….

Some say love at first sight exists, but I felt something different for you Lilly and Theo. I felt needed, drawn to you, like I could help. I felt like I wouldn’t give up. I remember thinking I wasn’t going to sleep that whole first weekend till I knew what was going to happen Monday morning when the offices all opened up. No one ever told me that being a Mom meant you never really sleep again. You dream of your children, you worry for them; you would bet your life that you heard one of them cry, and so my insomnia began. I remember early on thinking that this was all temporary and that I shouldn’t attach to you. But your big blue eyes did me in, did your dad in too. Two months after we had you you began calling us Mommy and Daddy. That sealed the deal, no matter what happened, our hearts were in it for the duration.

Theo you were a Momma’s boy, and Lilly went to the park every night with Daddy. Theo you stayed home with me till you could walk, and get stronger. Then I made my mistake, I went out of town for a conference. I remember walking into the house with your Dad and seeing Theo running right at me, I bent down to pick him up, and he kept running right to Daddy…..The gig was up he discovered the fun parent.

In October of 2008 we got you, Bryce, you were 20 months old. I had said “no” so many times to a new baby, to you, I was so worried for your health. I regret that so much. This whole time I thought eyes couldn’t get any bluer, and I was wrong. I held out my arms and you fell into me. Sucking on your thumb the whole time. You spent the whole day with Mommy, and learning how to use a walker. “He will walk in 3 weeks” I had told our case workers, so showing you the walker was step one. We met the goal with a couple days to spare. You skipped walking and went right to running I think. The first day you came I sat you in the middle of your bedroom and shut the door. We had explained to your brother and sister that a new baby would be coming to stay. “Yeah my brother” Lilly would say, like she knew you all along, like she knew the day would come. We climbed the stairs behind Lilly and Theo with a video camera. “He’s in the first room guys” I said with tape rolling. Bryce peered up at the two of you a little confused, and you both proceeded to put your face right in front of his, so curious to see him. Like you were looking into a reflection. Two weeks later Bryce got very sick, and ended up staying 6 nights in the hospital. We saw you every day, and when we walked in one night you yelled “Da Da”. I looked at your Dad and but said to you Bryce “we keep all the ones that call him Da Da kid, did someone tell you that secret”. And so our forever family began.

I can tell you that I can’t imagine loving anyone or anything the way that I truly love and care for you kiddos. When I met your father years ago he told me he never would marry or have kids. I think he mentioned not changing diapers either. God has a funny sense of humor and threw him in the deep end. He loves you so much you guys. He wells up talking about you, and would give anything he had for you. He became the best father you could ever hope for. He wont go to bed without “tucking you in” for the fifth time.

I want you to know we might have more kids some day. We might not. Mommy might give birth to some kids, or we may have more foster kids. Knowing what we know now makes it hard to not want to help out more. But whatever our final family looks like I want you to know you are completely our own. You are the children we would pick out, without changing a thing!

I Love You, WE Love You, So So Much my precious babies.

Love, Mommy

“Not flesh of my flesh, nor bone of my bone, but still miraculously my own, never doubt for one minute, you didn’t grow under my heart, but in it……..”

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