The belly mommy

I suspect amongst my friends who have adopted and/or work for CPS this may cause some debate (even greater for the four or five of you that worked with our bio family)......
Foster care was a short term deal, no "red file" agreement on our license, Nope, not us, we are just pitching in, doing a good deed, helping a family out......BAM (frying pan upside the head)..... Insert real life here. Reality is that helping a family out is really only effective if said family wants to help themselves' out.... or has the ability to.
My husbands from NJ, hes got a slight accent going, but lets just say the NJ never leaves the boy. Convincing Kevin to transport "our" kids to visitations with "their parents" was like trying to squeeze my size 6 jeans back on today (yes im still upset about it), it wasnt happening. The first "visit" didnt go so well, the parent aid called us 30 minutes after we pulled away from the public library, saying the kids were "ready" (red flag). Kevin walked briskly towards the kids with worry and Theo screamed "da da" and came bouncing up, this blank look came over bio dads face, panic on bio moms face.....Kevin could care less, but I noticed..... Theo loved Kevin, not his bio dad.
Here's the short of it, our kids have their own life story to tell so I wont tell it, but their bio mom was not abusive. Not mentally capable of parenting, or choosing men correctly, but not intentionally abusive or on drugs....just vacant, an empty shell of what could be. Kids from neglect dont form empathy at times, they werent given it to model.... Somehow I got a boatload, Im gonna blame grandma living next door, fresh baked goods on tap.... bandaids on every scratch. I have empathy for days.
Over the months/years of waiting on our kids' case to go to adoption I realized that I needed one thing, one thing for certain, I needed to be able to look my kids in the eye and say we really tried to help their parents' out. We really weren't on a crusade to adopt kids regardless of the wake afterward. Even if it meant another six months of court, I wanted to have the years of being able to say we tried. If she needed a ride, I offered, if she needed food, I packed it, if she needed supplies, I gave it.... Every christmas I took her out to dinner, gave her some money, and well wishes. I remember in my child psychology course that my professor said "I hate that they call this course Abnormal Child Psychology, I mean whats normal childhood? If you were raised by wolves, then thats your normal". Lets just say bio mom was raised by wolves.... She lived in an altered state of reality. You cant undo three decades of that overnight, or even in the 3 years that we tried. Luckily the visitations and meeting up with the kids ended well before adoption, so they don't remember anything about their biological parents.
It took some convincing but Kevin got on board with me. The blood that runs through their veins is not ours, and one day they will go searching. FACT... Do we want it to be a big secret, or do we want to stear them to the safest of the adults' involved? Post-adoption I have kept my email open to our bio mom, this was NOT an open adoption, it was my choice. She emails me every mothers' day saying thank you, and every christmas asking for a christmas card. Thats about it. Last christmas I took her out to dinner and her cell phone kept buzzing. She ignored it. Finally on the 6th ring she picked it up and yelled "I dont know what the emergency is but Im sitting with the mother of my children, nothing is more important than this, and stop calling". She knows who their mom is, no doubt. Im not very shy or meek. The line has been drawn for her.
So not always, but every few months something might come up in conversation.... I tell Lilly "Gosh you are so pretty, you look just like someone I know".... "Yeah the belly mommy". Nothing like a shock to the system looking at your own reflection 15 years down the line..... and its just the truth.....So its not a secret.
Every year my kids have to do some crayon/art project timeline crap, and Im supposed to find pictures from every year of their life. So early on I said "well you didnt live inside my belly, see you had a belly mommy whos only job was to keep you inside her belly, and then when you came out you came to your REAL mom and dad". I love saying that.... Because people will ask "whats up with their REAL mom/dad?". Yep, I'm part time folks, this is my moonlighting job. The owies, boo boos, surgeries, homework, speaking, walking, talking, bathing, feeding thing makes me some imposter for 18 freaking years until they find the REAL deal.... Anyway, her job is already done in my version of the story, and im their Real parent anyway
This year will be the first christmas I wont see the belly mommy. Im a bit perplexed, sad even. Not for me... I guess I want to be able to look at my kids when they ask and say "she lives in Mesa and works at this fast food place". I dont want them searching forever, and I really dont want them fantasizing some great thing, when its not reality. Those stories always seem to turn out bad. Child pines for parent for 18 years, looks them up and parent is still on drugs, or could care less.....Or somehow remarried and has totally no room for this kid to pop up now.
I choose to look at it as a blessing. If my kids need an organ I have a number to call. If they do go looking, it wont be that far. And more importantly when they sit across the table to break bread she will be able to say she knows we were the best for them, and we never ran her off. I choose to look at it as a period to a sentence, instead of the question mark that some of my international adoption moms have.... Like hmmmm, I just dont know where to start, or what to tell my kid.
I have a file two inches thick of CPS reports, court records, and phone taps... When my kids ask, I wont give them my opinion, I will give them the information and let them gather what to do next. Until then a Christmas dinner and some grocery money wont hurt me, and in fact it makes me feel kind of good. I dont have any bitter taste left in my mouth.... Im the one with four mothers' day cards written in crayon, in any version of the story I win. I win every time....
I said to a reporter that wrote an article on us "I feel badly pointing out which child is our biological child, I mean he has to grow up KNOWING he was the only one not hand chosen, what a sad thing for him" (sarcasm here) ....... Life is perspective now isnt it.....